Every time I think I’ve dealt with the most difficult person I’ve ever met, God laughs. And then another difficult person enters my life.
And every time I’ve struggled with the chaos and hurt that person leaves in his or her wake, I tell myself the same thing: “I’m supposed to learn or gain something from this situation. One day, I will look back and tell myself, ‘Oh that’s why that happened.'”
And up until now, I’ve been right.
But recently, I’ve had a hard time believing myself and in myself. This time, I’m fairly confident that even God isn’t laughing,
You see, I’m dealing with the most narcissistic and manipulative person I have ever met. And no, I’m not talking about Donald Trump (who I’ve never actually met anyway). However, I still respond when people ask if dealing with this person is like dealing with Donald Trump.
My response is, “it’s worse.”
That’s because most people recognize that Donald Trump is a narcissist. Those who support him obviously don’t care, but at least they recognize who and what he is.
Not so for the individual that I’m currently forced to deal with. In fact, this person is so good at manipulation that I was almost a victim of their false charm and gaslighting.
A part of me wishes I had been.
If so, I wouldn’t be so angry and frustrated, I’ve wasted too much time dealing with the narcissist’s efforts to manipulate. I’ve wasted too much energy being flabbergasted that people in positions to stop the path of destruction actually believe the narcissist instead of those who are complaining. And I’ve lost too much sleep searching the internet for ways to deal with a narcissist.
Unfortunately, all I really learned is that calling out a narcissist only makes the situation worse.
I didn’t have to Google that nugget of information. I learned it the hard way.
That which brings me back to what I’ve always told myself, “Eventually, you will look back on this situation and recognize how much you learned and why you needed to learn it.”
In the meantime, I have to find humor in how ridiculous the situation continues to be and to find solace in the fact that I have a great support system. Just the other day my husband sent me a text message reminding me to channel my inner Stuart Smalley. “You are good enough. Your are smart enough. And doggone it people like you.”
He only forgot one thing, but it didn’t come from the mouth of Stuart Smalley. Instead, it’s from that great philosopher anonymous.
“I’m thankful for all those difficult people in my life. They have shown me exactly who I don’t want to be.”
I had no concept of all the mean and completely self-centered people I would someday not only deal with on a regular basis but also come to accept. I would have thought I was too strong-willed and strong-minded to tolerate such people.
But a few years ago, I wouldn’t have recognized that, sometimes, being tolerant is not only the best way to deal with most difficult people, it is also a great learning experience.
That’s not to say I’ll ever accept bad or abusive behavior, but it does mean that one of the benefits of getting older is gaining perspective. And perspective has taught me that difficult people have done more to teach me about how to live my life than many of the kind and giving people I also encounter on a daily basis.
Difficult people have taught me that paying attention and listening to others is much more important than ensuring others listen to me.
Difficult people have taught me that a rude word will always being louder than a compliment that is shouted to the world.
Difficult people have taught me that being concerned with who gets credit for good deeds or successes tarnishes all that has been accomplished.
Difficult people have taught me that spreading lies and half-truths may garner immediate attention but will ultimately lead to a lack of credibility.
Difficult people have taught me that belittling, attempting to control or asserting power over others actually renders a person weak in the eyes of others.
And difficult people have taught me that refusal to adopt others’ ideas or accept constructive criticism stunts growth and limits possibilities.
I would be lying if I said difficult people no longer bother me or manage to get under skin. They do.
But I do find that the older I get, the less time and emotional energy I waste wishing I could change difficult people and the more time and energy I spend contemplating how to best apply their lessons to my own life.
Before I get to simple strategies for driving me crazy, I need to make a disclaimer: I don’t think I’m perfect. Not even close. In fact, I know I’m far, far from it.
If you know me at all, you know that I am the first person to call myself out and recognize my own flaws. And there are a lot of them:
I talk too much, which means I interrupt too much. I have to let everyone know exactly how I feel, whether they care or not. I’m too opinionated, and I don’t even try to hide my true feelings. I constantly compare myself to others and obsess about how I fall short. I have a temper that I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to keep hidden but, at times, still rears its ugly head.
The list goes on and on., and I haven’t even touched on all my physical flaws. But no one except me cares about those anyway, so there’s no reason to list them.
But this week, other people have driven me absolutely CRAZY.
CRAZY to the point that I really just want to avoid all people.
CRAZY to the point that I feel the need to share the insanity with everyone else.
CRAZY to the point that if I don’t write about it, my condition may become permanent.
And so, I’m writing down the characteristics and behaviors that drive … or maybe have already driven… me crazy. Obviously, I’m not naming names. No point in that. But I do feel the need to vent.
And, if you have any interest in making me completely insane, here’s the check list:
1. Live your life as though you are the center of the universe. After all, every political, economic, or social issue is about how it affects you…not how it affects people who might not have the family support, intelligence or other resources that make life easier for the more fortunate.
2. Throw your money around to get what you want. And, if you give money to an organization, make sure everyone knows you are now entitled to drive the direction of a project or a program based on the fact that you gave money. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the slightest clue how to effectively address the issue.
3. When you are in a meeting or engaged in a conversation, be more intent on what you want to say next rather than on listening to what others are saying.
4. Take credit for work that you never did. After all, if you follow principle number 2 as listed above, you deserve to get the glory whether you did the work or not.
5. If you are working on a project or program with others, your top priority is letting everyone else know how smart, well-read or experienced you are… or at least think you are.
6. Don’t make any attempt to learn about and understand the people you are working with (whether it’s in the workplace or on a volunteer team.) After all, you already know it all anyway.
7. Make promises you don’t keep. Instead of following through on you commitment, spend all your energy ensuring everyone thinks you did something. It IS all about your image.
8. Don’t follow the rules. You are allowed to do this since you are special, more important or just in a bigger hurry than everyone else. Therefore, you don’t need to wait in line with people who are less important.
9. Make sure you employ devious ways to tear down the people who are actually doing good work. After all, their hard work and success might make you look bad for not following through on your commitments or playing nice with others.
10. After you have engaged in any or all of the above behaviors? Pretend to be nice to my face while trying to undermine me behind my back.
So there you have it, a guide to drive me insane.
You might think I’m a bit crazy for even sharing this list. If so, you are probably be right. But if I am? You now know the reason why.